Guides
Sitting Shiva: A Guide for Families and Visitors
Sitting shiva is the seven days of mourning at home after the burial. Here is how to set up a shiva house, and what visitors should know.
Reviewed by Joyce E. Torchinsky, funeral director.
Shiva in Brief
- Shiva lasts seven days, beginning after the burial.
- Mourners stay home, sit on low chairs and receive visitors.
- The mourners are not hosts; friends and helpers take care of the house.
- Visitors enter quietly, let the mourners speak first, and bring food rather than flowers.
Setting Up a Shiva House
- Cover the mirrors (Light cloth or sheets.)
- Light the memorial candle (As soon as the family returns from the cemetery.)
- Water at the door (A pitcher and towels for washing hands after the cemetery.)
- Leave the door unlocked (So visitors enter without knocking, or ask a friend to greet them.)
- Name a point person for food (Ask for food in disposable containers.)
- Keep a list of gifts (Names and addresses of food and donations, in case the family sends notes.)
- Low chairs for the mourners (We deliver shiva chairs and low stools.)
The Shiva Week, Day by Day
Every family’s shiva looks a little different.
1
Returning From the Cemetery
Mourners wash their hands at the door, the memorial candle is lit, and the first meal, called the seudat havra’ah, is brought by others. This meal of condolence is not prepared by the mourners.
2
The Days of Shiva
Mourners stay home and sit low. Friends and community visit throughout the day, and evening prayer services may be held at the house so the mourners can say Kaddish without leaving.
3
Shabbat During Shiva
Public signs of mourning pause for Shabbat. The family may attend synagogue services. Shiva resumes after Shabbat ends.
4
The End of Shiva
On the seventh morning, many families take a short walk together, a first step back into the world. The memorial candle is allowed to burn out on its own.
Visiting a Shiva House
When You Arrive
Enter quietly. The door is often open or unlocked. Sit near the mourners and let them speak first. You do not need to fill the silence.
What to Say
Simple words help most. “I am sorry for your loss” is always kind, and sharing a memory of the person who died is a gift. There is no need to search for the right thing to say.
What to Bring to a Shiva House
Food in disposable containers, so the family does not have to return dishes, or a donation in memory. Flowers are not part of the tradition.
After Shiva
After shiva comes shloshim, the rest of the first 30 days. Mourners return to work and daily life but traditionally avoid celebrations. Those mourning a parent say the Mourner’s Kaddish for eleven months.
This is also the time for practical tasks. Get several certified death certificates, usually through the funeral home, and contact Social Security, Veterans Affairs if applicable, pension providers and life insurers. It is the wrong time for major financial decisions.
Read more in our guide to Jewish funeral and mourning traditions, and find the Mourner’s Kaddish.
Reviewed by Joyce E. Torchinsky
Joyce E. Torchinsky is the owner and a funeral director of Torchinsky Hebrew Funeral Home, with more than 30 years in funeral service. She taught mortuary science and directed the Mortuary Science Program at CCBC Catonsville. She reviews our guides so that each custom is explained accurately and in plain words. Every family’s practice differs, so follow your rabbi’s guidance where it differs from ours. Joyce E.
Shiva Questions
Mourners stay at home for seven days after the burial, sit on low chairs, and receive visitors. Many cover mirrors and keep a memorial candle burning. Practice varies by family and community, and your rabbi can guide you.
Non-Jewish friends are always welcome to visit a shiva house. Whether a non-Jewish relative sits as a mourner is a decision for the family and their rabbi.
Follow the mourner’s lead. Many mourners welcome a hug from close friends; others prefer quiet company. Your presence matters more than any gesture.
Traditionally, mourners stay home during shiva, with exceptions such as Shabbat services. Ask your rabbi about your family’s situation.
Food in disposable containers, so the family does not have to return dishes, or a donation in memory of the person who died. Flowers are not part of the tradition.
Related Guides and Services
- Shiva equipment delivery Chairs, stools, candle and pitcher
- Yahrzeit Remembering every year
We Are Here When You Need Us
We deliver shiva chairs, low stools, a shiva candle and a water pitcher. Call (202) 541-1001 at any hour, including Shabbat.